EPISODE 126: Releasing Control: Surrender in Life & Relationships
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Po: Welcome to the Tao Po Podcast. I'm your host, Po Hongyu, aka Big Red, aka Po, aka all kinds of nicknames because Po pretty much goes with everything. I'm a mystic, a spiritual guide, a medicine woman, and a somatic energy healer. My soul's work is to guide people back to the wisdom that lives in their bodies and to heal unprocessed pain so they can have the space to cultivate their gifts and then radiate their light and their work out into the world.
Everything I teach is based on the foundation of Taoism with an emphasis on Yin, which is feminine energy. It's the internal, the deep, the dark, the soft, the surrendered, and the receptive energy that is arising in the collective. In this podcast, you'll receive soul treats in the form of three kinds of episodes that support this time of awakening. Inner child alchemy sessions, solo transmissions from my heart, and conversations with people where we explore the full range of topics that make people human and divine.
I hope you enjoy. Let's get into it. Hello, everyone.
Welcome back. I am currently in Beijing recording this episode, and it is almost 3 a.m. in the morning because hashtag jet lag. And by the way, I will probably make a lot of mistakes in this recording because, again, jet lag. But the main thing is you will be able to feel me, feel the transmission, and I really hope that what I share today supports you. I'm going to be sharing a little bit more personal stuff, what's coming up for me around my dad. And if you are following me on social media, you probably or might have seen my post about it.
It's the one with me, my dad's photo. So you will have an inside scoop about what I'm talking about today. But before I get into that, I want to say that, one, I decided to end this podcast at the end of September. And it was something that I have been kind of hearing in the background like a whisper. And you all know if you've been following me, I'm all about deep listening. And so I prefer to listen to the whisper and follow through with the whisper versus have something smack me over my head or me falling in my face. And so the whisper just said, it's time to end it. And who knows? I might bring it back, I might resuscitate it, I might create a new podcast.
I might not at all. I might create a private podcast that's a small subscription fee. I actually have thought about that where I'm basically sharing about personal things that are coming up for me and my practice around it, how I navigate it. Actually, if that's something that you would be interested in, I would love for you to DM me and let me know that's something that you would be interested in subscribing to. And you know, it would be very inexpensive.
Just something that feels like more casual and more spontaneous and more intimate. So yeah, let me know about that. But also I wanted to say thank you so much to all of you. Thank you to all the new listeners or those of you who have been around from day one.
I mean, so fucking grateful for all of you for tuning in. I realize that your time is precious and for you to take time out of your day while you're cooking or driving or laying in bed or whatever in the tub and listening to me and my interviews means so much to me over the last couple of years. And I'm so grateful that we have created this community, you know, that you are a part of my community. And I'm also so grateful for all the people that have been on as guests. They have been so incredible.
And I know you can testify to that. So many people have told me how much they have loved the interviews. And then also I want to thank my podcast producers, Brianne and Brett for being with me from day one and being so patient with me when I'm late with my audio or, you know, just being so amazing and so loving and so fun.
So grateful for you guys. So yeah, it's an it's an end of an era, you guys. I feel sad in the sense in that it's always sad when something ends. But more than that, I feel excited about the possibilities moving forward and new ways that we can stay connected. And, you know, in that vein, please follow me on social media if you're not already so we can stay connected and sign up for my email list. The link will be below for you to sign up because it's so important for us to stay connected. I have so much that is opening up and coming out that I want you to stay tuned into if you desire to stay in my world. Okay, so that's that. And then to again, my retreat, I have the pre-early bird special, which is ending August 31st. So check out the website.
That link is below. The retreat is in April. So that's why it's the pre-early bird special because it's so, you know, in the future. But the thing is, you get gifted for committing.
I have 12 spots left. And it's going to be an intimate retreat where we can connect. And some of the juicy ways that reasons why you should be at the retreat is one, I'll be guiding a microdosing practice. So if you're somebody who has wanted to microdose and don't feel safe doing it on your own yet, this is a great way to start. Or if you tried microdosing before and quote unquote, didn't feel anything definitely come because when you're guided by an experienced practitioner, it changes the entire game.
You will feel the impact. And, you know, I will be guiding the microdosing practice five days out of the seven of the retreat. And it is going to be so powerful because microdosing is subtle, but it literally changes your whole experience because of all the ways that it impacts your brain and your nervous system. I've said it before, but I'll quickly share that it increases neuroplasticity. So it supports you rewiring your brain and nervous system at an accelerated pace, much more easier because as we get older, our neural pathways become more inflexible. And so it's really supportive to have something to help us have more flexibility and create new neural pathways. Also, it helps to open up your cognition and creativity and your mood increases. And you have more ability to access parts of you that might have been dormant because it activates the serotonin receptors, as well as decreases the blood flow to the amygdala, which is all about fear and trauma responses. And so when all of your trauma responses and fear start to decrease, then you see the possibilities of life and are open to your creative flow in a whole new way.
And so we'll be softening the nervous system during the retreat with the support of microdosing. And that's going to give you more access to the parts of you that you've been wanting to connect with and let out and express. Also, we're going to do a lot of work around body love and connecting with your powerful essence and really letting that to shine and come out. And then of course, sisterhood and laughter. I mean, you guys know how I love to laugh, and that's what I'm known for the most. And so of course, it's going to be so much fun. And so it's going to be a perfect balance between sacred space for deep healing and super chill vibes for fun and connection and relaxation and laughter. All right, so check the link below. Feel free to DM me if you have any questions. And I hope I hope I get to meet you in person and see you there because the pandemic has really deprived us of connection.
I know so many people are wanting it. So if you are, join us at the retreat, it's going to be a life changing experience. Okay, so let's get into it. So I wrote in my post about how I had this conversation with my dad about his end of life planning because he turned 93 in July. And it's been really heavy on my heart of what to do because of obviously he lives in China and I live in Miami.
And so it's something that I've been thinking a lot about. And so we had a conversation a couple of was it yesterday, the days are all blending together. I think it was yesterday.
It feels like days ago. But we had this conversation where I asked him if he would be willing to move in with me in the States if at any point he's unable to take care of himself. Because my biggest fear is that something that he that something would happen to him here. And I'm not able to get to him. It's a 30 hour traveling time between two flights and layover.
It was 30 fucking hours, you guys. And so the thought of me not being able to get to him right away is really scary. So I just brought up different scenarios and he agreed. I was actually surprised that he agreed to move to Miami if that was ever the case because I know that he really loves living in China. And he's really connected with community here.
So I was just like, that was just such a relief for me. And then I also asked him if he would be willing to have somebody come in and visit and take care of him if that ever is the case. He doesn't want anybody to live in the same space with him because he's very private and independent. But at least there was an opening there. He said yes to somebody popping in and checking in on him.
With these kind of conversations, especially when somebody is adamant about how they want to live their life, you can't push them. I've done that in the past, you guys. Trust me. That's why I've learned from my lesson because I always have been the one who feels responsible for my dad and not in a martyr way and not in a heavy way, but I love him to death. And this is what I choose to do.
I want to take care of my dad in all the ways. And so that was great. We talked about medical power of attorney and we're going to keep having this conversation because there's more details. But it was so powerful for me because first of all, I didn't expect him to say yes to any of those things.
Well, to the medical power of attorney, I did, but I didn't expect him to say yes to the two other things. And then also he said something to me that was so profound and literally shot straight into my heart. He said something like, no matter how painful or bad it might look on the outside, I'm free on the inside. And to me, I took that as even if like in his, you know, passing or he's like, there's suffering that he has like pain, physical pain or something like that. He said, don't worry because he's free on the inside.
The pain is temporary. And, you know, he's really the one who taught me about surrender. You all know he's my spiritual teacher. He's taught me how to surrender to pain and, you know, pain more in the emotional sense. But pain is also in the physical sense.
Right. I also teach about leaning into the discomfort of what arises in your body too. So it is kind of similar, like tension, tightness, sensations, when we're able to just be with them, something magical happens, it doesn't become as a problem as it would be with if you are, you know, saying, oh, when you surrender to it, it dissipates the discomfort or the pain. Like if people, somebody has a headache, I found when I guide them through a process of connecting with their body and being with the sensations, guess what?
The headache goes away or it decreases. Right. So anyway, back to what he was saying, it literally made me balling crying. Like I was just so emotional because basically he's saying it's okay. It's okay if, you know, I'm in pain, it will pass.
And for me to not worry. And so I've been processing this and then I wrote that post and I was balling crying while I was writing that post. I was crying for hours after it because there's just moving so much energy inside of me around this of really surrendering and letting go of worry. And, you know, something I've been sitting with in general in regards to my dad is, you know, being in the practice around acceptance and, you know, worrying is not love. A lot of times my clients who are moms will say, you know, I worry about them because I love them. And I say worry isn't love.
And so I say that to myself too. You know, I know that when I worry about him, it's not about love. That's from my own discomfort because I can't control him and what happens. And so, you know, my way of controlling that is by worrying. And so my practice is to accept what is right.
I can do what I can logistically in terms of, you know, and the life planning as much as I can. But ultimately, I have no control over my dad's passing and things like that and what he's going to experience. And so ultimately, I need to let go. And so, you know, writing that post and crying was really me processing that truth even more of really accepting his wishes, accepting what is, accepting the circumstance, accepting the fact that we're so far apart, and, you know, loving him in this process instead of being like, you know, judgmental or pushy or micromanaging or, you know, things that people would do when they worry, right, when they're trying to control a situation. And, you know, to me, I want to love him as much as I can and not in a conditional way, right?
I want to love him unconditionally, which means really honoring him in his wishes, you know, like not making it about me. And so often we make everything about us. That's part of human nature and our ego. And that's not a bad thing. It's just something that, you know, we need to pay attention to and not let that run us because it will literally create suffering. And I don't want to suffer. And I don't want to be, you know, causing frustration to my dad or, you know, I want our relationship to be as loving and connected as possible.
And the more that I am worrying about him, then that actually creates more disconnection, right? So this is something I've been working on for a while, you guys. And I've gotten to this place now where I am in so much more acceptance than I ever have been about the situation. And, you know, having that conversation with my dad really, really helped me a lot in so many different ways, spiritually, the logistics and just like crying about it, you know, I teach about emotional alchemy and letting that energy move through you. And I have to say, you know, even though I felt heavy for about a day because it was just like, like literally waterworks, just like the floodgates just opened and I just couldn't stop crying and my eyes were puffy and my head was hurting and like just like, you know, there's all this tension and my neck and my shoulders. And then I had a conversation with my dad about it saying, you know, I've been feeling really emotional about our conversation. I've been processing it and, you know, telling him about what's opening up for me.
And then that really helped me to lighten up even more. So so important to like move the energy, right? And so often we just like want to hunker down and hold it in because we're afraid to face the thing. But facing the thing is actually the thing that's going to set you free. And that's what set me free, you know, and setting free doesn't have to be 100% at a time. Setting free is a 1% act, right? 1% more is 1% more freedom, which is more free than what you were before. So it's a it's a beautiful cumulative process. And I feel it in my body, you know, I feel so much lighter.
Yes, there's going to be so much more, you know, things that we need to do. I need to fill out the, you know, power of attorney. I want to make sure that his living trust is up to date. You know, I asked to meet one of his friends here so I can stay connected to her since my dad's friend Ingrid, who sometimes lives with lives with him, isn't always going to be here.
So I want to make sure that I have a connection to him just in case something happens, right? So there's still a lot to do. But overall, I feel like, OK, there's a path forward, especially because of the spiritual practice that I am engaging in. And this is one of my biggest spiritual practices right now. Having a parent live so far away that is aging, even though my dad is healthy, happy and literally living his best life.
He's so content, which I am so fucking grateful for you guys. But like it's still hard, right? And so it requires such a deep level of surrender and practice on my part.
And I'm grateful for that. I mean, it's hard at times, you know, some days are easier than others. And, you know, some days are really fucking hard. And some days are, you know, like smooth.
But in general, it is just a constant practice of bringing awareness to all the things, you know, one, how am I feeling? Am I letting myself feel the thing? Am I worrying? Am I too in my head about something? Am I trying to control something? Am I staying connected to him?
Am I avoiding him because I'm trying to avoid my feels, right? There's like so many things that we need to be aware of when we're in a very intense practice and something that is testing us, right? Like this process for me is already opening me so much. You know, I just feel like it's transforming me and my cellular makeup because I so deeply want to give him what he has given me. That's what's inspiring me, you know, like my dad has always, I'm going to get emotional. My dad has always been there for me.
Except for when I was young, which was like my abandonment issues. But as I got older, whenever I needed him, he was always there. I could always talk to him. He would talk to me for however long I needed.
He would hold space for me. He always accepted the decisions I've made. He never judged me even in the times that I've made.
Just like really bad decisions. He never shamed me, never judged me. He always loved me there. And so I want to do that for him. I want to love him back the same way he loved me.
He taught me how to love unconditionally. I was very conditional on my loving. That's that's how us humans are. We we don't love unconditionally. We have to learn how to love unconditionally. Some people think that they love unconditionally and they absolutely don't. They think it's because I love them so much.
I'm feeling so much for this person. That means that they love them unconditionally. No, loving somebody unconditionally means that even if they don't do what you want them to do or, you know, like. Literally, whatever it is, you still love them. You still love them.
And, you know, there's literally no ifs, no asterisks, essentially, you know, connected to the love. So for me to be able to gift him back, what he has gifted me is an honor. And I I don't take that lightly, you know, I feel like it's my duty, but not in like a heavy way. And like, I so appreciate what he has given me that I would not feel good about myself. If I didn't give that back to him and being being selfish, you know, like, who the fuck am I, you know, he deserves to live his life the way he wants to live it.
And I'm not going to force him or try to control him to do it, do something different just to make me comfortable. It's not about me, right? Like every time I worry about him, I'm worrying about him because of how it impacts me and my life and how I feel that I don't want to feel a certain way.
And so I want him to change something for me, right? That's how us humans do it. And you can look into your life and your relationships and see the ways that you have done that, right?
Where you want somebody else to change or do something differently to make you feel better, to make you, you know, have some peace. That is just not the way love works. It isn't. And so, you know, true love to me is deep understanding. It is acceptance. It's approval. It's allowing somebody to be who they are and to live their life in the way that they desire. And my dad is 93 fucking years old.
He gets to have what he wants. You know, I mean, not to come about to make a really funky, hilarious analogy. But, you know, I had a cat that lived until 22 and a half years old. His name was Nikki. I had him starting at the age of nine, you guys. And he passed, you know, in my 20s.
We basically were brothers and sisters. And, you know, as he got older, I was like, you know what? I'm just going to give him what he wants, like the food he wants. And, you know, just not like making him unhealthy, but just like, you know, like he deserves.
He deserves a little extra cheat or whatever. He's 22 years old. So in a way, it's kind of like that. Like, and, you know, anyone, it doesn't have to be somebody who's older anyway. It's like, in general, just like let people live, you know, so often we're trying to fix people, rescue them, control them. I see that all the time in my clients, especially when it comes to trying to fix their kids or their partner, right? Or their client, you know, looking in your life. Can you see all the ways that you might be perpetuating a cycle of disconnection?
Right. By not seeing the person, because that's what I'm doing now with my dad. I'm seeing him.
I'm hearing him. You know, I'm honoring him versus doing something to make it about me. It's not about me. You know, it partly is, but not in that way, not in that way.
It's more about letting people live, letting people live. And I'm thinking about myself. I hate it when people try to control me or try to fix me or rescue me when I don't need that. You know, when I was in victim consciousness and I was a victim all the time. Yeah, I always wanted somebody to save me.
Right. So if you feel like you want somebody to save you or fix you, that's it. That's a, you know, insight for you to consider that perhaps you are living in a victim state and the more that you come out of that victim consciousness, you realize, oh, I don't want anybody to try to save me because I'm not broken.
You know, I don't need fixing. I just need to be witnessed. I need to be held. I need to be supported.
I don't need fixing. And so I guess my question for you is like, what relationships can you allow more of that true love, that understanding love, that deep approval and acceptance to come through? Where are you trying to suffocate somebody? You know, and I've done that. That was like my M.O. for many years and not just with my dad when it comes to, you know, his aging, but in my romantic relationships, I was always trying to control the other person. And it was getting really old and really fucking tired. And I was like, I got to change this pattern because it doesn't feel good to me. You know, I had to like hit a wall many times in order to to alchemize and transform that pattern. And I have, and I celebrate that because there was a point in my life that I honestly did not think that was possible, but I just stayed at it.
I stayed in the practice. And then eventually it transformed. And I was like, holy shit, I had no idea I could be like that. You know, I had no idea I could love unconditionally.
That was my desire. But I could always see how conditional my love was. I could see how I was trying to control other people to make myself feel more comfortable. So, yeah, so the question is like, how are you potentially doing this in your relationships? And how can you open up your heart to trust?
Right, because that's a big part of the process. The reason why we try to control or fix and all these things is because we're not trusting. We're not trusting either ourself, the other person, the divine, the process. It's all about deepening your trust and realizing you're not God.
You know, there were so many times I acted like I was God. When we're trying to control other people, that's what we're doing. And that is not our role. God, the divine, the universe is the ultimate provider and holder. And so the more that we can deepen into that knowing, the more we can let go, the more we can be in the faith of that unfolding.
Right. And, you know, I'm in deep trust in general, but then I had to use that foundation of trust in my practice with my dad. And so if you can do it in one area of your life, you can also do it in another area of your life.
It might be a little bit more challenging because it might be a more sensitive topic. But if you did it one time, you can do it another time. Right. There's no way that you can say that you're not capable of doing it if you've been able to do it in some area. And if you've never been able to trust in an area, you can start now. You got to start somewhere. I had to start somewhere.
Everyone has to start somewhere. And a lot of times what supports people in the trust is by connecting to the divine. Or, you know, if you're not, you know, a believer of God or the universal love energy, what is it that you believe in? Do you believe in a higher power?
Do you believe in something that can support you in this practice of surrendering to faith? It's a game changer. It literally changes everything. Just letting go and saying, you know what? I'm going to just do what I can do. Focus on the things that I can change, which is my mind, my behaviors, you know, anything that has to do with me. I'm going to focus on that versus focusing on changing everybody else. And honestly, a lot of times people focus on changing everybody else and everything externally because they're trying to avoid doing the work on themself. It's so much easier to try to control the external world or other people than it is to look in the mirror and do the work, the real work.
Right. So if you are somebody who is always putting your attention outward on other people in a way that is not helpful and causes problems, that's a sign for you to turn that arrow around towards yourself. And look in the mirror and see the parts of you that need attention, healing, love, support. Because that is a huge sign saying that you need something for yourself and putting your attention everywhere else is a distraction. So this is my practice, you know, my dad trusting, trusting the process, you know, showing up to do the work in the ways that I can, which is, you know, not being reactive, again, not worrying, not over thinking about things that are just a waste of time that don't do any good.
What can I do that will be most supportive for him? Right. It's like being of service is so rewarding. You know, anytime we get to serve, whether it's somebody we love or client or stranger, right, helping somebody walk across the street. Like anytime we do any acts of service that are from the pureness of our heart.
It fills our own heart up even more. That's what I noticed when I was in the 12 step program. They prioritize service because when we're of service, we're not so much in our own heads and being selfish and taking everything personal and making everything about us. Because we're putting our attention on other people in a healthy way versus the way that I talked about earlier, which was all about distraction. Right. We're trying to overflow love onto people overflow service to support people versus trying to control or fix or rescue somebody.
Very, very different distinction. And you can feel the difference because when you're overflowing, it feels like you're getting filled up. Like your tank is filling up. It feels like your heart is expanding. You feel more connected to yourself. You feel more connected to other people. When you are doing the other where you're trying to fix people, save them. You feel more disconnected. You feel more frustrated because they're probably not doing what you want them to do.
Right. You might even be resentful, angry. Maybe you're constantly overthinking and suffering in your mind and overwhelmed. So you can very easily tell if you're giving from a place of overflow or giving from a place of victim consciousness, which would be the rescuer.
Right. From a place of emptiness, from a place of selfishness. So these are all some thoughts that I think would be good for all of you to consider.
I will for sure be here connecting with my dad, loving on him. We're not super talkative. My dad is very introverted. Even though, you know, when we are on phone conversations, we can talk for hours. It's just nice to be in the space with him and being in that energy, you know, it connection just feels good, whether there's conversation or not. But we're definitely having great conversations, having some laughter and eating meals together. And it feels really, really special. And I feel so, so grateful to have this time with him. And yeah, to really be truly connected versus projecting all my shit onto him. You know what I'm saying? Projecting your stuff onto other people is a crappy feeling. You all know what that feels like.
And so highly recommend looking at yourself in the mirror when you notice yourself projecting. All right, I think that's all I got for now. I think I'm going to head to sleep. And I hope that this transmission supported you in some way. Hopefully you've got some insight, some nuggets, some gems, some inspiration.
Hopefully it supports you and your relationships that you may be struggling with. All right, y'all, I talk to you soon. Thank you so much for tuning in. If you enjoyed this episode or received insight from it, I want to hear about it in your words. Feedback powers the show.
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In this episode, I navigate the delicate balance between holding on and letting go, exploring the profound moments that shape our lives.
Reflecting on end-of-life planning with my dad, I discuss the importance of releasing worry and control, focusing instead on love and acceptance.
I dive into the dynamics of relationships, highlighting the challenges of practicing unconditional love and the liberating power of trust and surrender.
Join me for this transmission on the power of emotional alchemy, service from a place of overflow rather than emptiness, and embracing trust and surrender to navigate life’s inevitable transitions.
I dive into:
- My reflections on end-of-life planning with my dad
- Worrying is not love: trust, surrender, and unconditional love in relationships - Surrendering to discomfort or pain
- The importance of emotional alchemy
- And more
Learn more about my Soul Renewal Retreat: https://www.taoofpo.com/soul-renewal-retreat
Get on my email list: https://www.taoofpo.com/newsletter
Connect with me and let’s go deeper:
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Did this episode impact you?
I’d love to know what moment touched or inspired you. Let me know in the comments section below, or share the episode on social media and tag me in your stories @pohong.yu!
