EPISODE 119: A Mother’s Journey with Anger with Danielle Mendoza
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Po: Welcome to the Tao Po Podcast. I'm your host, Po Hongyu, aka Big Red, aka Po, aka all kinds of nicknames because Po pretty much goes with everything. I'm a mystic, a spiritual guide, a medicine woman, and a somatic energy healer. My soul's work is to guide people back to the wisdom that lives in their bodies and to heal unprocessed pain so they can have the space to cultivate their gifts and then radiate their light and their work out into the world.
Everything I teach is based on the foundation of Taoism with an emphasis on Yin, which is feminine energy. It's the internal, the deep, the dark, the soft, the surrendered, and the receptive energy that is arising in the collective. In this podcast, you'll receive soul treats in the form of three kinds of episodes that support this time of awakening. Inner child alchemy sessions, solo transmissions from my heart, and conversations with people where we explore the full range of topics that make people human and divine. I hope you enjoy.
Let's get into it. My guest today is Danielle Mendoza. She's a multi-time bestselling author, bestselling publisher, and keynote speaker.
She helps her clients scale by developing a winning strategy to write, launch, and leverage a bestselling book. Oh my goodness, you guys. We had such a powerful conversation. She was dropping gems all over the place. I absolutely love how open and honest she was about her history of anger, feeling angry, being resentful, and how it impacted her life, her family, and her health. She shared the whole process. I have absolutely no doubt that you will find resonance in her story because there are so many people that are holding on to repressed anger and resentment in their body and will completely relate to this. You will be so motivated to do the work after this.
I really was just like, wow. Thank you for sharing your story because not many women out there are open to sharing all of this, like the darkness, the shadows, and their process. So I hope you enjoy. Hey, Danielle. So happy to have you on my show. Welcome.
Danielle: Thanks, Po. I'm super excited to be here and to get real and raw with you and your audience.
Po: Oh yeah. I love that. I was just talking to Danielle before I pressed record. I was saying this to her, but I really appreciate how you are so willing to talk about your experience with anger in particular. And as people may or may not know, anger alchemy is one of the modalities that I guide people through. And so I find that not a lot of people want to share about their anger because it's like nobody wants to be seen as an angry person or having those kinds of emotions, even though we're all so human. And of course we get angry, right? So I appreciate you being willing to share your story with my people.
Danielle: Yeah, absolutely. And I think it's so normal to feel embarrassed about your anger or even ashamed. And so it can be really hard to talk about it. And especially if you're still in the midst of those wounds, I think I'm out of place now where I can speak from my scars and not my wounds. So that lends me feeling a little bit more comfortable talking about it. So to anyone out there who is like, oh, I would never, like maybe there will be a day where you will and it's okay if you don't, you know, that's okay too.
Po: Absolutely, 100%. And it definitely is much easier to talk about on the other side, even though it's still unfolding, but it's like you're in a whole nother location than when you were festering. Well, we'll get into that. I don't even know the whole story. So you guys, I'm just like, I just know you shared a little bit with me one time in person when we met. So I'm really eager to learn more about your story. But before we get into it, I always ask people, what are you most grateful for in this very moment?
Danielle: Oh, that's such a good question. I mean, it sounds so corny, but just being alive and being able to interact and affect the world as one infinitesimal spec on this like little tiny dirt ball of existence that is the earth floating around in this like massive, you know, universe of universes and just all of it. It's one of those things that's mind blowing. Like, sometimes it takes me even like, you know, time like 30 minutes to even sit there and try to wrap my head around how big all of this is. And yet the profound nature of being a human interacting with other humans is so much bigger than even all of it.
I'm chill now. I think that's it's this depth of experience of just living. And then of course, things like running water and air conditioning, because it's like a billion degrees in Florida right now. So, you know, candle plumbing, all the good stuff.
Po: Oh, my God, I love it. So true. And, you know, I had one of those existential moments the other day. But it caught me more than anything. Was you saying infinitesimal? What was that word? And I'm like, okay, this is so perfect, because you're a writer, you help people with writing books. Of course, you know, these words that I have no idea. Can you please just tell me real quick a vocabulary breakdown?
Danielle: Incredibly tiny. Okay, can you say the word? infinitesimal. I love it. Like just the tiniest little flip on the radar of everything that is existence. And yet so important at the same time.
Po: Yes, it's true. Such a little spec but so important at the same time. I love that so much. What a great way to start this conversation, because when you talk about that, I think about humanity, right?
Like life and our day to day, just being a human being on this planet is really beautiful and awesome and challenging and all the things, the whole spectrum. And like we first started talking about like anger, I would love for you to share like, what your first memories of anger, did what they did they begin when you were a child, like, did you experience parents that were angry or was it something as you got older?
Danielle: Yeah, definitely in childhood. I mean, I think all of us, or at least many of us, I haven't ever met anyone who doesn't have a memory of their parents being angry over something and then also angry at them.
Right. And I think when you're a child, that is like this ultimate threat of being kicked out of the tribe, so to speak. Like our primal brain goes to like, oh no, don't be angry with me. I've done something wrong, so let me correct and not do that wrong thing again. But of course, we're human, we do other wrong things. We stumble into that anger. And I think it's really important to acknowledge too that anger is always layered on top of another emotion. And I find that anger, it is very, very rare that anger exists on its own without some other layers underneath of it. And looking back, you know, in my experiences of anger and childhood, either of myself, my own anger or the anger of the caregivers around me, there was always some kind of sadness, insecurity, struggle, you know, underneath of that, that I didn't have the perspective to understand because I was just a child, but now it's seeing it's like, yeah, this is something that we as humans, we sometimes use anger to motivate us, to create movement. You know, if you look at kind of that power versus force hierarchy of emotions, depression and shame being kind of like the lowest ones, anger is right around the middle. In fact, it's right near desire, which I think is super interesting.
Po: That's very interesting because of my work, actually, I find that that's very true where desire starts to open when people are able to tap into their anger, which most people are afraid to tap into their anger. But yes, go ahead.
Danielle: Yeah, no, absolutely. And I know like in my own experience of anger as an adult, you know, a parent to very small children and just, it was like the circumstances of everything, I found myself super depressed and shifting into anger got me moving, right? So it was serving me in this way, even though it wasn't necessarily healthy in the ways that it was expressed or in the ways that it was utilized, it was serving me. And so in some ways, I have to really honor my anger and acknowledge that I was choosing that because that was sort of the higher order emotion that I could access at the time. Now, thankfully, I've come to recognize healthy expressions of anger and release a lot of the underlying emotion that was driving that depression and that shame so that now when I do experience anger and much more familiar with it, comfortable with it, you know, able to understand better what's underneath of it and respond to my emotions instead of react out of them, which is I think where we start to get into that feeling of like embarrassment we were talking about at the beginning is when we're reactive out of our emotions, then we're embarrassed by our behavior by the things we say. But when we can evolve our conscious understanding of ourselves to the point where we can respond to those emotions lovingly with ourselves and communicate boundaries and whatever it is we need to help, you know, facilitate that response. Now, we don't have to be embarrassed by our anger anymore. And it becomes just another way that our body is essentially communicating with us about what's going on around us.
Po: 100%. I love how you shared that because it's how I teach the work and like the layers. And what I find is that so many people are so conditioned to be a quote unquote good girl or good boy and, you know, judge the fact that they might be angry and so that they avoid it altogether and then that blocks them from healing the deeper, you know, wounds and grief and things like that. I'm curious about when did you start noticing that you were having feelings of anger? Like, did you did were you one of those people who are like, oh, I'm not angry because there's a lot of people who are feel like that, but they're really angry or there's people who are like, it's like, oh, yeah, I know I'm angry because I'm super reactive and I'm like snapping at people or somewhere in between. Like, what would you identify?
Danielle: I think I knew I think it was something that like I knew that I had, you know, maybe when I was younger, I called it like angst, but angst and anger very closely related. And, you know, all through high school and like through some of college, I was known as like, that bitch that everybody also loves at the same time, you know, it was like, oh, yeah, Danielle's a real bitch and you either love her or hate her, you know, that really I know people are so shocked now because I just I've learned like I said, to not react out of my emotions and instead to respond thoughtfully and and I I've always been very, very honest, but it took a while for me to learn the fine art of tact. I'll be completely honest about that. And so, you know, I get why people had that experience of me. But I think for a long time, I was just like, well, that's how people experience me.
I don't get it. Like, I don't think I'm bitchy. I'm just telling you the truth.
You know what I mean? But I've learned that it does it does matter to some degree how people respond to us. It can give us a window into our own behavior.
And then we get to decide, am I okay with that and move forward in that way? Or is that something I maybe want to shift and change? And I've always felt a lot more like warmth in my heart and care. And I felt like none of that was being expressed. I think because it was being kind of like, quashed by my anger and my angst. And so I've learned to allow the anger in the appropriate ways and in the appropriate moments so that I can come to life with much more of this warmth and love and the feelings that I really feel deep down. And I think the people who love me even in my bitchy days could feel that warmth too.
They could recognize that. But you know, it's hard for some people because I would wound people in my anger. You know, I would lash out.
I would not be very nice necessarily. And so I can totally understand where that perception came from now looking back. So I had some awareness of it, but I was sort of like, well, that's what they think.
I'm just being for real. You know, and so there was a lack of conscious awareness in that assessment in my younger years. And where it really came to the forefront, I would say I really became fully aware of my anger when I could finally say like, I have an anger problem.
And I'll get to that in a second because I don't love that label. But it was when I was raising my small kids and I would kind of blow up on them. And I'm like, tiny little humans just trying to do their thing and honestly being completely normal, tiny little humans and kind of amazing. And yet I would still like blow up on them, you know, and then I would feel like shit, like, right. I would just so then I was layering like embarrassment and self loathing and all these things on top of my anger, which would lead to more anger to be angry with myself for being angry and like, you know, this terrible like storm of emotions that was really hard to untangle for a time. But back to the idea of like having an anger problem. I realized I didn't as much have an anger problem as it is that I had a problem with my anger. So yeah, I mean, it's like, I would feel angry like every mom out there knows every parent knows at some point, your kids are going to piss you off, like you will be triggered period the end. I think that's kind of the purpose.
I'll be honest, that's the growth opportunity that God is giving us through our children. But when I had a problem with that, right, when I had a problem with my anger, and felt like, well, I shouldn't be angry, or they shouldn't be acting in this way that causes me to be angry, you know, believing that people shouldn't push on our boundaries, those sorts of things. That's what really led to this kind of unleashing of the anger in really unhealthy ways.
And instead, when I was able to gain this perspective of it's normal to be angry, it's normal to be triggered by things, it's an opportunity for healing. And I don't need to blame another human for pushing on my boundaries, because that's what other humans do. Like my boundaries are mine.
They're for me to uphold. And I can't get mad every time someone bumps up against it, because it's my boundary. Like why would they know? Why should I expect them to hold my boundaries in their everyday consciousness? They have their own boundaries they need to hold on to. And I don't want to hold theirs, you know, like that's right too much, like that's codependency quite frankly. Exactly.
Which is not good for anyone. So in my fresh understanding of like interdependence and what it really means to take care of myself for the sake of them, I realized like no, that some of this is okay. And I need to have boundaries around where and when I allow these emotions to be expressed in their full, you know, strength. And where and when I have conversations that are metered expressions of that emotion and energy, and where and when to just kind of hold onto it until I have a time to fully express it. That cleared up a lot of what I would call anger problem. And I think most people who have an anger problem don't actually have an anger problem as much as that is they have a problem with their anger and or other emotions.
Po: This is so good. I mean, because, you know, with all my clients that work with me around their resentment and anger, this is what they discover is that it's their relationship to their anger. And once they allow themselves to move it through their body and, you know, accept that this is part of being human and not make themselves wrong for it, then everything starts to shift. So you just like said that in a way that I never heard it. And I just love that so much. And I'm curious because like, there is that piling of layers, like you're talking about like when you start, you know, being reactive and, you know, snapping at your kids and things like that, which I know a lot of parents relate to who are listening to this right now. And I have a lot of clients who always tell me that and they they feel very a lot of shame about it, like you were talking about. And and then that just creates a whole spiral of like, you know, overthinking and worrying.
And then they they dig a hole for themselves, essentially, around this. Was there a moment for you? Like, did you have a moment when you were like, you know, getting angry at your kids, then you were just like, I have to stop. Like, did you have like a clear experience of that? Or is it over time that you had that coming come to Jesus moment?
Danielle: It was over time. You know, I wish I could say that it was like one or two moments. And then I was like, this is not okay. And I could be the adult and stop. That just wasn't the case. My inner child was just running wild.
Let's be rich. Yeah. And and the adult me wasn't in enough presence of mind to kind of coexist with her, I would say. And so it was a long cycle, unfortunately, of blowing up feeling guilty, trying to overcompensate, trying to stuff it all down so that I didn't do it again, and then doing it again.
And you know, and it was just like this terrible experience. And I do still feel some embarrassment and shame about it when I think back on my kids experience of their very early childhood with a mother who, you know, was like that. And yet I know now on the other side of things, and for anyone who's out there listening, who's feeling this way, and still in that cycle, you will mess up your kids. Like I learned this, you will period the end, you are human, they are humans, you can't interact with them perfectly. You will emotionally injure them at some point. But you can also model healing.
And there is so much power in that. I mean, I've asked my kids about it, they're now 12 and 15, you know, like, I remember when I was like really angry, and then you get in trouble, and I'm so sorry, you know, and they're like, yeah, we kind of remember that, but like barely. And, you know, it was like, to me, it feels like it wasn't even that long ago.
I'm like, geez, that was maybe eight years ago that I really started to do the work and turn the corner and, you know, interact in a different way. And so just to see how quickly that they are so resilient, and now having modeled that healing, how much healing they've been able to do, and seeing, you know, my son went through a period of really intense anger, just when things wouldn't go his way, you know, from that like four to seven or eight years old. Especially in boys, something's really interesting is one half of their brain grows quicker than the other, when they get that surge of testosterone in the womb. And the other half of the brain doesn't catch up until about eight years old. So that cross brain neuron firing is just not happening for them. And they just really don't have emotional regulation. So learning that too was like, oh, like we're expecting things of our children that just aren't realistic.
Like they literally don't have the brain structure for it. So like helping him deal with his anger was so powerful as I was dealing with my own, you know, I started my jury a little bit before he really was in that realm. And he probably learned some of his coping mechanisms from me that were not healthy, you know, completely honest. But because I was going through my own learning and healing, I was able to help him learn and heal. And now, you know, he meditates every day, like he has tools for when he's feeling that anger. And I just think like, how powerful is that that we can, you know, kind of break those curses, so to speak, as it's talked about, to give them the tools because we sought out the tools ourselves.
So if you are feeling that shame, you are feeling that embarrassment, like you're not alone. And there is so much more you can do in your healing, like I promise your healing path is so much more powerful and impressive on them than your destructive path for that short period of time.
Po: So I mean, that is everything. Like, you know, I've seen my dad, my dad is turning 93 in July, but like I've seen him grow and expand and heal and shift over the decades.
And that is everything to me. Like as his child, to be able to see him change and grow, teaches me and taught me so much about what's possible for me. You know, because I think a lot of times parents are like trying to help fix their kids. Instead, what would happen if they actually focused on their own healing and letting that their, their own nervous system regulation and their own awareness and, you know, consciousness influence their kids versus trying to tell their kids to do this and do that, you know, and I see it all the time with my clients who come to work with me that they see, oh yeah, I've been doing it the other way. When I prioritize my own well-being and healing, everything else changes in my family. Have you, did you experience that as well, Daniel? Absolutely.
Danielle: And I think that's especially true of women. Not that men can't also model and heal, but I think as women, we are like lynch pins in our family. You know, we are mothers are the center of energy. It's a really powerful place.
And in fact, even our kids get like 70% of their mitochondrial DNA from the mother. So it's this really powerful place to be in the family and everything will change. I mean, absolutely, everything will change if you change yourself. And we like to say, you know, more is caught than taught. And so we have to make sure we are focused on ourselves first and foremost and our own behaviors and our own coping mechanisms. And from there, then we can kind of teach as well.
But like any teacher, you know, if I go seek out a teacher and they're teaching me something completely opposite of what they're doing, I'm like, yeah, okay, nice. Bye. Right. Exactly. Okay, for someone to teach us out of their experience, all the time as adults, that is logical.
It makes sense. So why would we turn around and try to teach kids out of our non experience, right? Like we need to understand that that is just how humans want to relate and understand things is from someone who's experienced it. And so I think there is power in working on ourselves first and giving ourselves that time and not feeling guilty for it because we know at the core of interdependence is me focused on me for the greater good of all.
Po: 100%. I always tell my clients, which are mostly moms, that you are the hub of the family, your nervous system is the hub. And so I love that you just said like 70% comes from the woman. And so it literally is like, you have these imaginary tentacles, I feel like, like as moms, you know, and when you do that nervous system work, when you, you know, approve of your anger and start to tap into it and move it in a healthy way, literally, I get reflections back from people saying, my kids are telling me how much happier I seem, right?
Like they can see the difference in their mom and then they, their nervous system, the kids' nervous systems start to feel more regulated because the mom is more regulated. So like what, I just love this conversation. There's so many things I want to talk about right now.
I'm like, which one is next? But, you know, you talked about your inner child was like running the show, you know, when before you started really doing the work. And I'm curious about like what your inner child was angry at, like was, was there an event or an experience or a specific person?
Like what was that? The reason why I ask is because as an empath and intuitive healer, I have discovered in my work with people around anger, is that their inner children are raging. Like their inner children are so freaking angry, but they never had a space that they could really, you know, acknowledge it or feel it or move it through. And so I would love for for you to bring that in?
Danielle: Yeah, for me, I think it was centered around abandonment. There are just a few, I think there are a few really core kind of universal experiences. Now, the details of someone else's abandonment would be different than mine, but the abandonment feeling as a child is a huge core trauma that then led to this idea of, well, if I can behave a certain way or if I can control a situation, control an outcome, then I won't be abandoned again. This is coming out of fear, just constant fear of this thing reoccurring, which is our brain's way of trying to protect us, but it doesn't serve us. And so for me, that was what was at the core of it. And in fact, I did this exercise through all of my coaching where we took some time to discover what is our governing question? What is the governing thing that is driving the majority of our behavior? And I realized my governing question was, how can I be smart enough, funny enough, cute enough, whatever enough for them to not abandon me?
Like that was my core governing question. And that sucks. I don't wanna operate out of that. I don't want that driving my every move in life.
I don't want that being at the core of everything. So we did some work to kind of untangle that and then reinstate a new governing question that we got to be intentional about and choose. And so my new governing question is, how can I make this more fun? Because to me, if you're not having fun, like what is the point at work, in your family, when you're volunteering, when you're anything, you're from just sitting there by myself on my bed, I'm like, how can this be fun?
And like have that fun and just live in that space of joy. And it's such a better governing question and it has really turned around a lot. And it doesn't mean I don't default back to that other one. Like old habits die hard for sure. But I can recognize it when it comes up or when I catch myself in a behavior I don't particularly like. And I'm like, wait a minute, like why did I just say that? Or why did I behave that way? Or even why am I feeling a certain way in a trigger, even if I have given myself enough space to not react out of that? Like what is this feeling in me that's unsettling and exploring that?
And sometimes it is connected to that old governing question. And then I can take that moment to like let that energy move and say, you know what, I don't need to live by this. I can live by the joyful space that I have chosen for myself and move in that direction. So it's been huge to really understand that as that inner child was raging, she was raging over this idea of being left behind and not being enough. And now I can come to her as part of myself and be like, no, we're good.
Like we are enough just as we are, right? Like separate of what we do and our accomplishments every day and our habits and our emotions and all these things like and like hold her and re-embrace her and allow myself to kind of reparent within myself in that way that, you know, and I'm not saying my parents didn't give me that. I mean, you know, my mom loves me very much and tried, you know, her best to be present to me and all of these things. And I completely honor her walking out her own journey. And yet I think even the parents who do the best, the individual has to step up as the adult at some point and embrace that inner child. And it's not through the fault of anyone else. It's just the nature of being a human who's growing older.
Po: 100%. I mean, there's no escaping our inner children. And, you know, and I love that because your new governing question around fun because the inner child, I always talk about how, yes, it's how we heal our trauma and our wounds through the inner children, but we also connect with our play and our genius, you know, and our passions through our inner children. And I can confirm that you, I mean, I just love this governing question for you because I can see that happening in your house. Like you're baking all these things, you're cooking delicious meal. Like you're just, you create an environment from what I see in your household of fun. I mean, we just went to Boca Raton for a retreat with the Advanced Network, right?
It's a networking group that Danielle and I are part of. And she brought her kids to the retreat. Like they were hanging out in this amazing, luxurious, you know, hotel room. And so just the way that you, I see you mothering now and how you engage with your children and bring them along and teach them and you homeschool them. And you're just like the supermom in a way, obviously you're not perfect cause you're, you know, you're human, but like, it's, I just see you living in the ways that you're talking about right now. And that's very cool.
Danielle: Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, we laugh a lot. I mean, we, our whole family, like you heard my husband's laugh. He was at the retreat too. And we just, we just laugh a lot as a family and it's great. It's a great space, I think, for kids to grow up in a place where they can be creative and expressive. And, you know, my son is quite the comedian. And as we all know, comedians are not always incredibly appropriate. And so, you know, we've had to make space for this type of expression and not be like, oh, don't say that. You know, I'm like, I'm like, that's a joke for inside the house.
Like maybe don't say that outside these walls, you know, and like guide him in that way. But we do, we have a lot of fun and we have a lot of play in our lives. And I think that's where, you know, those healthy flows of dopamine and serotonin and all these things that I was lacking in my days of being incredibly depressed. And the things that so many people are looking for medications to correct, I think a lot of it can be corrected through play and laughter. And in fact, I got my laughter yoga certification like years ago, and it is just the goofiest, silliest, most fun, ridiculous group experience.
And I don't teach it or facilitate it or anything like that. But for anyone who's looking to laugh more and is like, I don't know, you know, if I even have that joy left in my life. Like find a laughter yoga experience. It's not, you will start in what is essentially forced faith laughter and you will end just laughing because it is the most ridiculous fun, like human thing that you could spend time doing.
Po: And laughter is contagious. Like when you're in a room, I know for me, cause my laugh is very loud and I know people say it's contagious. So I start hollering and laughing. Everybody else starts laughing, right?
You just can't help yourself. It is medicine, laughter is medicine. But you know, the thing that I was thinking about when you're talking is, when we talk about anger, it's like, and you talked about depression in Dr. Gabor Mate talks about this all the time. I don't know if you know who he is, but he talks about how depression happens a lot because we're depressing our emotions, right? And so there's a lot of times people who are depressed are really just really fucking angry and like have all this grief that they have not allowed themselves to truly be present with and feel. And I saw this with one of my clients who was suicidal and depressed and she didn't, I do microdosing, but she didn't do microdosing just from allowing her to feel these things. No longer depressed, no longer suicidal. Like, you know, so that's how powerful it is. And then the next level is like, you're not depressing more, then you can have that access to that joy and that laughter and that playfulness.
But you know, for a lot of people in this place of depression, we need to meet them where they are with just even feeling the undercurrents of the emotions that they're experiencing. And it sounds like that was the case for you.
Danielle: Yeah, absolutely. I mean, you know, you talk about a come to Jesus moment. I had my own like literal come to Jesus moment where I was so deep in depression and suicidal ideation without intention. There's a difference there for those of you who have a loved one who is having suicidal thoughts, you know, explore the understanding of that difference with and without intention, I think is important because you'll handle it differently.
But it was ideation without intention and it was just a big struggle. And I was like in the bathroom and I was just crying in a set and I was just like at the depths. I mean, talk about like rock bottom in your soul. And I was like asking God like, just take me away. Like just let's just get at this over with, you know, just take me away.
And literally I like heard God's voice. Like, first of all, he giggled, right? Like he kind of laughed at me. And he would, and this was so funny.
When I asked God to like tell me something, he always kind of giggles at me and he calls me silly girl. I love that. It's so ridiculous and fun.
And I love that we have a God with a sense of humor. But he's like silly girl, like you're not done yet. Like I'm not taking you away, you know? And I, and it was this weird moment where it wasn't like I was out of the depths in that instant. But it was like, okay, okay. You know, like here we go. Like got it and message received. And it was like, all right, my path now is just up.
Like we just, we have to come up out of this because that's the only way out. And started doing, you know, all that work and continuing the work. And from there, it's been an amazing experience. I have not had an episode of depression, anything like the depths that I experienced for years. I still have situational things that happen.
And then I'm like down, you know, again, we're human. Like there's, I've learned so much about how joy can coincide with other emotions. It can coexist. It's not, joy is not happiness. And joy is not separate of other emotions.
It's sort of like this core foundation. And then grief comes along. You have waves of grief that coexist with your joy and waves of happiness that coexist with your joy. And, you know, fear and anger and all these other things in between. But that joy is still always present. And for me, that does come from like being really connected to God through Jesus Christ.
And being in my faith and being in, you know, present with my spirit and being open to hearing what it is that he has for me and keeping that dialogue going. That's not a one way thing. And it's not about, you know, asking and receiving. And, you know, that there are elements of that. And I believe in manifestation and all of that as spiritual practice, but it is about the relationship at its core. And through that relationship comes that joy that is just unshakable.
Po: Yeah. I mean, I agree. I'm not Christian, but I am spiritual. And even though it's, you know, we come from different places in a sense, it's all the same, like everything that you believe, probably, you know, that you're saying.
It boils down to the same principles, for sure. That relationship, you know, and, and really staying connected because it's easy, I think, in our egoic minds to disconnect and to forget that there is that relationship available to us at all times. So I love that you brought that in. I'm also, like, curious about this come to Jesus moment, but not only that moment, but just like, I remember you saying to me before when you, because I was talking about in one of our, a meeting that where I first met you, I think, and I was talking about anger, alchemy and stuff, and emotional alchemy, and you came up to me and told me a little bit about your experience. And you said that you were having, like, physical issues. And, you know, I was an acupuncturist for a long time, and I saw that there was all these, like, you know, patterns around physical issues with anger, repressed anger, not just anger, repressed anger.
Like, it's being held in, like, skin issues or right-sided issues or tight throat, chest or jaw, like, sometimes fibroids. Like, I saw all these different patterns. Can you share what you were noticing in terms of how your repressed anger was coming out in your body?
Danielle: Yeah, absolutely. So for me, it really manifested in skin cancer on the right side of my body. Oh, really? I felt free and cancer is removed now, all on the right side of my body. So funny you should say that. And that's a totally, like, Ayurvedic understanding as well. You know, and the first one was at my mouth. It was, like, on my lip.
And it was really funny. I was working with, like, a health practitioner who's into the spiritual stuff. And she's like, yeah, it's literally, like, you're so pitta, like, the fire side of you is so high and so ramped up that you're literally just, like, breathing fire because you weren't dealing with these emotions, right? And so much of that connected for me with, like, the anger that would lash out on my children always came out verbally, right? And, like, and just, like, I mean, anyone who goes through an intense period of anger understands, like, you're literally hot-headed, right? Like, your head is hot.
Your face turns red, right? Like, all these things that are so related to that that you're like, okay, that really makes a lot of sense. I see why they've chosen these words to describe it this way and assign these labels. And so understanding that has been really interesting and understanding more about learning to express my anger, which is an ongoing thing. I mean, I'm still learning and still unfolding all of this. And it's, yeah, it's definitely manifested in that way. I mean, in the skin issues and on the right side. Wow. Pretty crazy.
Po: Yeah, it's still, like, every single time, even though I've seen it in my unofficial research and clinical research with my patients, it still blows me away every single time, like, you saying that. Because I don't remember what you told me when we talked, but, yeah, it's like, literally, it's just like so textbook and the body is so wise and it comes up with these patterns. And, you know, I'm wondering, like, did you realize that later, just during the Ayurvedic time, you discovered that was connected to your anger and you didn't know that beforehand?
Danielle: Correct. I didn't really know that beforehand. You know, I mean, I'm fair skinned. I have blue eyes and red hair and I've had my fair share of sunburns growing up in Southern California. You know, so I connected all of these, like, worldly scientific understandings to the ailments I was experiencing. And I can't say those are completely unrelated, but I also know, like, when you look at something like epigenetics, nature is part of it, but the genetic expression, which I guess when it comes to cancer, sort of like a genetic misexpression, maybe, that is a huge element in our health and in our bodies and in our abilities to heal at a cellular level. And so it makes a lot of sense when, to me, when both of those things converge. Like, so many people look at it as like, you're either spiritual or you're scientific.
And I'm like, no, it's two sides of the same coin. Like, the spiritual is our attempt to understand and assign words and communicate with each other about this inner experience. And then the scientific is the exact same attempt and, you know, ability to communicate about what's going on in the world outside of us. And so they have to converge. Like, they have to come together for the full picture. I've never seen them as separate or contradictory. In fact, the more I learn about both, the more I'm like, they're both more true than ever.
The deeper you go in either one. So, yeah, so when I learned that, I was like, oh, yeah. And I could just feel in my soul like this rooted truth of like, yes, this is part of why I am experiencing this expression of my ailment. And so, yes, I wear sunscreen.
Yes, I'm careful about the sun, like all the scientific things to do to avoid skin cancer. But also, now I'm doing the spiritual work as well, because I think without both, it won't work. You know, you just need both.
Po: Yes, yes. I love that that break down. And so true, I call myself a practical mystic because, you know, I work with energy and all the stuff you can't see, but I'm also very practical and efficient and resourceful. And I think those are best together, you know, working with them all. And I feel like you have that as well, just like how you broke it down. You're very, you know, grounded and clear and articulate and, you know, all the things. But then also you have the spiritual side.
And I think that when we have in my terminology, the yin and the yang energy, then it creates more flow in our life in every way. And you're just a great, you know, example of that. I love that this whole episode has been on anger, first of all, like you may be the first person, actually. I've done my own solo episodes on it, but I'm just like so excited for people to hear your experience and your story and how you talk about it, because I know that it's going to impact people and especially moms, you know, I feel like that piece is so powerful because there is so much self-judgment and beating up and like just all the things around how they, you know, are, you know, blowing up on their kids, et cetera. And so thank you for bringing in this level of compassion and permission to, you know, where people are.
Is there anything else like you feel like you wanna share about this topic that like any more wisdom or experiences that are coming up for you that you're like, oh, I think people would be interested in hearing this?
Danielle: Yeah, I think we need to, when we talk about something like anger, of course, we come to it from our own like micro experience, but to pull back to that macro view, because I think so much of the world right now is angry. And, you know, there's so much anger going on and a good portion of it is righteous anger, you know, for lack of a better terminology. It's anger that makes sense. It's anger that is warranted, you know, and I just wanna say about anger is we've so much in our society, we've treated anger as this thing that is not okay, that needs to be overcome, that shouldn't exist. Like, oh, if we didn't have anger, we wouldn't have more.
And it's like, no, that's not true. Your anger matters. Your anger is important. Your anger is a message.
It's telling you that somewhere your boundaries are being crossed, whether that's by someone else or by yourself, you know, we cross our own boundaries and then we're angry and we project and lash out, right? So respect, anger, honor, anger, all of it matters. And also we have to acknowledge that reacting out of our anger is not typically the healthiest thing and that we're not justified in reacting out of our anger. Like, if I'm angry at you and I reach out and slap you, my anger is warranted, my anger is okay.
The action I took out of that anger is absolutely not okay. 110%. Yes. And that's where war comes from, is a reaction out of anger. And again, underneath that anger, there's always other emotions. There's fear, there's sadness, there's discouragement, there's misunderstanding.
I mean, all these things. So we can't dismiss anger and we also shouldn't do away with it, but we should learn how to engage with it in ourselves first and foremost, and then in other people, right? How do I respond when I have pushed on someone's boundaries and they are anger, you know, filled and then now reacting to me out of their anger, am I gonna just get angry and react to them out of, and then we're just like this big anger bomb, like that's not a good idea, right? So how we react to anger, both from within ourselves and from other people matters a lot.
And I think it matters now more than ever. And so understanding anger, embracing anger and being able to, I don't know, play with it. I mean, there's my inner child again, you know, like how do we play with anger and allow it and then move through it so we can get to the other side and get to the depth of what really matters. And if two angry people can get to the depth and get to what matters and connect through that experience of anger, they're incredibly bonded in a really healthy way. So I think there's so much healing that can be done in the world when we allow for that anger, but we move through it in healthy ways together.
Po: Yeah, so well said. And, you know, I share a lot, because I talked about anger, alchemy and in the way I describe alchemy is transforming one energy into a different energy.
And so what I find is that when people optimize the anger, it turns into fuel, it turns into pleasure, it turns into joy, it turns into orgasmic energy, it turns into creativity, you know, and so there's so much power in anger when we allow ourselves to be friended and allow it to move through us in the ways that are healthy. And so, yeah, yes to all of this. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Yes. Yes, thank you so much for this conversation. And, you know, I would love for people to connect with you because you are brilliant, obviously. And like I said, Danielle helps, well, you're an entrepreneur, you do multiple things, but I would love for you to share how people connect with you and what you do and if you have an offer that you want to share with any folks.
Danielle: Yeah, absolutely. So I am an entrepreneur at heart, always have been, and I've stepped into this role of helping other entrepreneurs write books that they can leverage to grow their business. And I love it. I love communication.
I love helping them nuance those ideas and stories and words and wisdom. And you can find me on LinkedIn. I'm also on Facebook. You can email me at hello at confidentconcept.com. And I do have a free book called Timeless Visibility, how a book will help you get seen and paid in 2024. I talk a lot about how to leverage a book in a business, how to storytell in a way that communicates and converts, also how to be strategic in your visibility and how to craft three-dimensional inspiration and why it's so important. So if you're interested in that, you can definitely get in touch with me and I'll give you a copy of the book for free. Amazing.
Po: So all the links will be below in the show notes. So you have easy access and connecting with Danielle. Obviously she knows her stuff. I mean, I learned some things. I mean, I know 90% of the mitochondria comes from the female. Is that what you said?
Danielle: 70% of our mitochondrial DNA is from the mother's line.
Po: Very cool. I loved this conversation and I know that many people will be served by it. So thank you so much for bringing your wisdom and experience with my people.
Danielle: Thank you so much for having me, Pone. Thanks everyone for listening. Yay.
Po: Bye everybody. Until next time. Thank you so much for tuning in. If you enjoyed this episode or received insight from it, I want to hear about it in your words. Feedback powers the show.
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In this episode, Danielle shares her journey with anger and its impact on her life, health, and parenting. She gives us an honest look at her struggle with anger as a mother and how her repressed anger physically manifested in skin cancer. We discuss the shame often associated with anger, especially in motherhood, and how Danielle learned to express anger healthily, transforming it from a destructive force into a tool for self-awareness and growth.
Join us as we discuss the complexities of parenting with unresolved anger, the journey to healing ourselves for the sake of our children, and how embracing the intersection of joy and anger can lead to a more balanced and fulfilling life.
We dive into:
Anger in motherhood: releasing the shame and finding a road to healing
Why anger rarely exists on its own and what you can explore here
Embracing the intersection between joy and anger
How repressed anger can manifest in our physical bodies
The inner child’s role in alchemizing our anger
And more
Danielle Mendoza is a multi-time bestselling author, best-selling publisher, and keynote speaker. As the founder of Confident Concept, a book consulting agency for expert business owners, she is helping her clients scale by developing a winning strategy to write, launch, and leverage a bestselling book. Her ten years of writing and business strategy experience, coupled with her background in design and production, makes her the one-stop shop for experts ready to grow into their next level of success by publishing and monetizing a top-quality bestseller.
Connect with Danielle:
Website: www.ConfidentConcept.com
Free book “Timeless Visibility”: www.ConfidentConcept.com/download-bestseller LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/danielle-mendoza-3059788a/
Connect with me and let’s go deeper:
Website: https://www.pohongyu.com
IG: https://www.instagram.com/pohong.yu/
FB: https://www.facebook.com/pohong.yu/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/pohongyu/
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